I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
