I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
