Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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