Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
why do cheetos always look like penises
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
