Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
