I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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