I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Where are you guys?
Drunk
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
