I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
