Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
