True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Pants are for mortals
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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