the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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