so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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