Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
