By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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