Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
