I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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