i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
