Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
