Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
We left an ass print on the piano.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
