Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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