OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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