"it" just moved
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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