I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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