the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
