So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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