I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
