he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
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