Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
