mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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