She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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