Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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