Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
