eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Randomize
