Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
you didnt know i had herpes?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
