hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
