Me. At least after what I've been through.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
