Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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