yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
