haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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