dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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