Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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