is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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