So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
