Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
