My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
