he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You made out with two different species that night
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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