it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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