I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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