Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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