the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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