so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
you had me at cake vodka
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
