I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
