She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
