he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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