dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
