btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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