We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
