Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
