captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
