I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
